My T called me and I picked up the phone. I know that therapists must always leave it up to client to decide to continue with therapy, go to session, work in session, etc.

But I appreciate the gentle encouragement my T gave to me to come into session. She reminded me that the other times I have tried to cancel and did come in after all turned out to be productive. And she also reminded me that I'm in charge and we can discuss or not discuss whatever I want.

I hesitated but then agreed. I texted her later and told her that I realized that I didn't WANT to feel better and by going to session I would be making steps to be in a better emotional space than I was in. Somehow I believe I deserve to feel bad and I should not make effort to ease my suffering. My T replied asking if I should therefore wear a hairshirt. I replied asking where one could be gotten.

Then I began reading Non-Violent Communication by Rosenberg and I began to feel better even with my best efforts notwithstanding to prevent that. Go figure!!