since i can remember i have always tried to achieve what i was always told i never would. All my life I dreamed of being someone who i can be proud of and feel good of. I always go the extra mile and work very hard to achieve that goal, so why is everything so impossible. Why is trying to reach this goal and working towards it so painful? I Just wish that for once just one good thing happened to let me know that im on my way and that i am on the right track. I Feel worthless and it hurts to see my friends end up like i wish i did. I'm told that im good and that it will happen, that i have to be patient, but not one ounce of hope has come out of all of this. And this is not something i have just started to do recently, this is something i have worked most of my life for. And then i also push away any one that loves me, i cant seem to believe in love, i push everything away and cant trust anyone. I just feel the things they say are lies, and i also cant seem to accept that someone should love someone other than me. I dont know why, I just cant believe in something stable. I never stayed in one place too long, or ever believed in being with one person for the rest of my life. I always feel like i will leave them, i wish i had seen a relationship work in my life. I never have, every relationship my mother ever had was destructive and completely loveless...and now i am all alone because i have pushed my husband away....but i feel its for the best...i feel like ever since i have been in his life i have kept him from living. I only see him 2 weeks out of the month and during those 2 weeks i hate my life... maybe its good that hes done with me, nothing has gone right in my life...nothing. I feel bad i have written a very scattered short confusing story of my life, but i've just had all of these feelings inside me, with noone to talk to and i have thought of ending it too much lately. I worry. And the few times i discussed it with my husband he just made me feel worse and made me hate myself even more. Its hard when you lose the only person in your life who said they truly love you, but its harder when you know you pushed them away for good. I dont know what to do, all i want is someoone who understands what i'm going through. I'm lost and dont know what to do.