I also have the tendency to push good things away from me - it feels like I don't deserve them. At work esp. I am like that.....at home, I wish I had someone supportive.

I think it's a good idea to see a therapist - it will help show you ways of coping with these feelings and how to fight them.

As for meds, I understand. I am on 3 different ones and feel like I have no personality anymore. But the other side is instability and pure hell for me so the benefits far outweigh the bad. It would be nice not to have to take meds, to be "normal" again, but it is part of life sometimes. I hope you find what you need and keep trying to be that person that you want to be. Keep in touch.