"Recovery is being able to hang onto my own identity and have relationships, too."....................................................................Denise McAlister Cook

A common characteristic of recovering people is that the boundary between where others end and we start becomes blurred. Frequently we have experienced the confusion and loss of integrity that results from selling our esteem for the sake of approval - agreeing when we do not agree, laughing when we do not think the situation amusing, acting out values we do not agree with. Each time we act in this matter, our integrity slips. In time, bit by bit, it is possible to give away so much integrity that there is none left. And since our self-esteem is a direct result of the degree of integrity we have managed to retain, this sacrifice of values is of vital importance.

When I can be together with another and not lose the identity that is me, when I can care for you but still disagree, when I can say no and not become paralyzed over fear of disapproval or abandonment, then I know I am making good progress on the road of recovery.
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I will examine my integrity level each day, making sure I did not diminish myself for the sake of approval.

This was tough for me, as I had lived this way all my life. I thought that was the way we were supposed to live -- always "working" for others approval. It wasn't until I joined AA that I realized that I had basically sold myself to the highest bidder. I didn't know who I was anymore, or what I believed in.

After getting sober, it was literally a rebirth. I had to learn who and what I was. I had to learn what I believed in, what I liked and didn't like. And most of all, I could agree and DIS-agree without fear of being abandoned. That was new to me but I liked it.