So I am really mad at myself tonight! I was so standoffish with my T after his week off and I felt like I just could not break through it.

I feel like while I did talk about some real issues, I totally skirted around those things I *needed* to share and was not authentic. It was almost like I put on my mask and did not take it off hardly at all. Now I'm worried that T will think I'm fine and don't need to even be coming. He's probably like WTF?

Ugh. Please tell me it will be ok (?) I'm feeling so depressed right now - its like i cant breathe. i keep feeling like i cant keep going through this forever and I'm afraid now T will tell me "This is life - deal with it." I'm trying to calm myself down. I'm thinking of quitting therapy while I'm ahead because I just don't know how I will ever get through this problem. It's like I get closer to being real and then the pain comes - pain so overwhelming and engulfing like I'm going to die. So I pull away and am fake - it feels good for a moment but then I'm so alone the emptiness carries on for miles.

I hate this