I'm going to say it at once:
"I stop taking my medication"
Here is the thing, when I started my research looking for answer to my bizarre behavior (bipolar)(but I didn't know)I went to a T and he referred me to my Pdoc.
Both of them made me feel like my life was "out of control" and if I have to be totally honest, yeah, sometimes feels like it and I'm really aware of it, so when one of the episodes is coming, I can feel it and try to do my best to (whatever it takes: going for a ride by myself, taking a long long nap, not talking to anybody for 2 days, etc)make it thru.
I've been living like this for 33 years, and what actually made my mixed state worst 2 month ago; was actually knowing for a fact that I have a condition.
I felt like crap for weeks, but I'm in peace now.
Now, in the middle of the episode I started taking Depakote, 1000 mg once daily.
A week after when I went to see my Pdoc, she said she wanted to go up in the dose and start giving me a antipsicotic. Well, let me tell you, Depakote was already taking the best of me away, I was tired as hell, my legs and arms didn't work, everyday around noon I needed my bed and at around 6 I couldn't even drive because of the shakiness, which at this point was starting to freak me out.
So, I had a choice and also, I have a 7 years old-beautiful-demanding-active-preciuos daugther that needed me the most, and I couldn't even keep up a mental list of 3 things in my mind.
Oh, did I mention I looked like I just got off the hospital and I put up 10 pounds already, that wasn't cool at all!
3 weeks ago I stopped taking it, I started to feel like crap on everything, from taste to hallucination (that I NEVER had before) and to the most intimate things, it was really hard.
I know most of you are going to tell me to keep doing what my Pdoc asked me to do, but it this case, I'm sorry but I have to say that I know me better, I know and I'm wide aware of my condition, not taking the meds doesn't mean I'm not taking care of me, but I needed to get this out of my system; I needed to say that going up on a dose wasn't going to help me; and I need to stand up for myself.
I'm an open minded person and trying really hard to avoid judgement; so feel free to give me you points of view.
This one was mine~