I tend to think, too, that forgiveness is highly over-rated. It certainly is not some sort of short cut to healing, nor replacement for healing. Detachment from the painful enmeshment is definitely healing. Self-forgiveness is definitely healing. But if trying to forgive others creates more self-hate, I don't see it as beneficial, at least not at the present time.

I've never forgiven my parents. I detached from the painful emotions, came to understand a little of what might have prompted their actions, and have even felt a certain sympathy for them as human beings. But all of that is different from forgiveness. And appreciating and respecting myself was never tied to a need to forgive them.