I talked to t on Wednesday afternoon, and was in a therapy hangover fog all day yesterday. Meh, couldn't focus at work all day and I kept getting so aggravated at myself because of it. It's friday morning and the fog has not yet lifted. wtf? Is this some kind of punishment from my psyche for daring to take a 3 week break from t?

It may have been my own imagination because she's never left me with this feeling before, but I came away from our session Wednesday feeling some aggravation coming from her as well. Like she thought I set myself back or something by taking a break. Break-schmake I want to say, what do you mean "people don't just stop therapy" wanna watch me?! Where is this hostility coming from? Therapy brings out a lot of different feelings in me but hostility is rarely one of them. I feel this need right now to be really awful to her so she'll say "fine see if I care do whatever you want" and succeed in pushing her away.

I was happy on Wednesday evening about being "back in therapy" but at the moment I am working my way up to being pissed off at t about it. I don't know why, either. I have always felt that t genuinely cares about her clients myself included.

This seems to all boil down to me not wanting to feel. Easier to get pissed off at t than to accept the feelings she was trying to get me to sit with on Wednesday that are expressed in the sand tray. Easier for me to over-analyze the thing than to just FEEL. Easier for me to get pissed off at her for pointing that out to me than to realize she's probably right.

It's hard to allow myself to have feelings.

When she asked me on Wednesday "where are the feelings in your body? can you say hello to them?" They were in my tummy. They are always in my stomach. They are a beast that must be fed, or something. Is this why I am fat?!

No t, I cannot say hello to them, thankyouverymuch.

(Note to t: Yeah, so okay, you're right t. Waving my white flag. I'm back in therapy. I hate like hell at this very moment that you are so far away physically and I want to blame all of this on you for leaving me. I want to be my surly teenager self and stomp my feet and yell at you "See what you did!! It's all your fault!!")

But I won't do that. It's one thing to write it down. But to actually accept and feel those feelings enough to act on them, is another thing entirely. Sorry for the long and wandering post. Ugh. This very moment I am wishing t could read this but I doubt I'll show it to her. Ugh.