Oh honey! Please don't kill yourself. I was in that state too just recently that I wanted to kill myself at least 4 times I made suicide attempts. The last one was March 7th and I spend in the hospital for 2 weeks. I have Lupus, a blood clotting disorder(probably relating to the lupus) and depression. I'm seeing a therapist now and she helps me a lot. I think a Therapist will be good for you too. Sending hugs and kisses to you. <3 I'm here if you need a little ear. Take care dear!