MM

Today I introduced the #1 great man in my life (my hubby) to #2 on the list (my pdoc) and told Doc "this is the man who's a candidate for sainthood for putting up with me for the last 33 years". Doc promptly said, "I'LL say!!" and we all laughed, because it's true. These two men know the worst about me, but they care about me anyway (albeit in different ways). And so it is with you and your mate, MM. He's seen you at your absolute worst, and I'm sure you've seen him at his.......yet you love each other and your son without reservation, no matter what illness any or all of you may manifest in life.

I'm trying to take this same attitude with my elder son and daughter-in-law, who have about half a dozen mental health diagnoses between the two of them and are expecting a new baby in mid-to-late October. Both of her daughters already show signs of anxiety and one has ADHD; Heaven only knows what this child will have to deal with....both parents have PTSD and depression, plus my son has alcohol problems and undiagnosed bipolar, and his wife has borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and anger management issues. Then when you add Bipolar Grandma into the mix.....well, just about anything could happen to this poor baby.

But maybe it won't. And IMHO, it's worth the risk to trust in God, or the Fates, or whatever one trusts in, to bring a loved and wanted child into this world.

I do know about the guilt trip that bipolar lays on when I've said or done something horrible to my spouse (who does not have any MH problems and thus has no idea whatsoever of the demons I battle every day). For 32 of our 33 years together, I was either an angel or his worst nightmare; now that we know what made me the way I was (and still am to a point), he's been able to forgive me for all of it and stand by me.

Not all of us are fortunate enough to have a loving spouse and a support system, and sometimes in my own worst moments, my heart weeps for those who don't. How do people get through this without love? Without good psychiatric care and medications? I struggle with it so badly sometimes even with all those advantages, so it's hard for me to imagine surviving without them.

OK, now I'm rambling and not making any damn sense even to myself....been a long day.