I am a bad person.

I just broke up with someone. She was blindsided because a few days before we broke up, we had a lovey-dovey conversation where I basically lied about how I was feeling (making it seem like I was in love with her when I wasn't). I was drunk (now I'm reconsidering some things about my drinking habits), not that it's an excuse but it made it worse. At the time we had the conversation, I really believed that maybe it could work and I wanted it to. It's like I forgot all the things I was unsatisfied about.

She rightfully feels hurt and angry and that I lied to her.

I'm a horrible person. I should never, ever have let this get here. I should have been honest about how I was feeling from the beginning.

I should never let people get close to me like this. I'm toxic.

I really, really want to hurt myself and I'm having trouble thinking of reasons not to because I really deserve it.