Hi Lovefreak. I hope I can be of some help.

Hamster and I are in almost perfect agreement here. You've been incredibly accommodating and understanding in this, and he hasn't given you an inch. In so many words, he either needs to work with you or step aside, but right now he's not doing much in any regard towards working with you.

The only thing I can think of as far as his rationale goes requires me to play devil's advocate a bit. I am curious if he does find the BDSM attractive but is unwilling to involve you in it out of...a sort of respect, in a way? Granted, it's disrespectful to turn you down for porn and to be so unwilling to communicate with you, but perhaps he is unable to imagine himself in a dominant position over you (in sexual terms for the purpose of BDSM play) out of a sort of, albeit poorly shown, respect? That's the only real rationale I can think of, barring something like porn addiction.

Either way, I hope things work out for the best. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Harley