I woke this morning; had a cup of coffe; had 2 epiphanies which brought on GREAT JOY! I was so happy! Now I just feel like I want to kill myself. I just want to end it all.

I feel like my heart is trying its best to stop beating. I can't breathe and I can't stop crying.

And now it's almost time for my boyfriend to come home. He's gonna find me all messed up again. I don't think I can hide it this time. What am I talking about? My eyes are bulging, red and bloodshot - good luck trying to hide that behind a smile - and my face is almost blue from holding my breathe so much.

Yeah, I know, boo hoo; there she goes again, the histrionic narccicst is screaming for attention...

If it's all just for attention, then why does it hurt so much inside? If it's just attention I want, then why can't I leave my home to go get it? And why do I try to hide it (I said try, not that I succeed at it, for those feeling "technical" today)?

It's been so long since I had a whole happy day. If I could have one whole happy day...

Well, time to go put on my "I'm-okay-don't-worry face." Wish me luck...