I feel your pain. I am in a bad way right now and actually had started "planning" doing some SI again but ended up using better coping stuff instead. It's so hard not to, sometimes. Like you, I am tired of feeling weak and messed up. I know, though, that when I SI it makes me feel even MORE weak and messed up. And it helps, it really helps, for a little bit, but generally I feel worse overall for it.

Like you, I wish I had someone (T doesn't count, although he is awesome) and sometimes I am just knocked on my *** with how sad I am to be alone. I try to find self-worth in the fact that I keep going even when it is SO painful. You are not alone. We are not alone.