I Lost my mom less then a week before mothers day. She had been very sick off and on for about 5 years. With reoccurring pneumonia and several blood clots in her lungs. It seemed as if she was in the hospital most the time during the last few years. Well, Since Christmas last year my mom had needed almost total care. She took several meds that she could not keep track of. At the time I left my job to care for her. I basically was her caregiver. Every hour on the hour there was a medication. She kept saying that she felt she was being kept alive with meds. She was on Heparin due to her blood clot's and on other med's due other medical problems.
My mom wasn't feeling well for about a week. Very Dizzy and Disoriented. When myself and my sister would speak with her, she seemed very lost and confused. She said things over and over again. We would have a conversation and then an hour or so would pass and she would start the same conversation over again as if she didn't tell us. When I would say mom you told me that she would say no I didn't. After some time my sister and I gave up and realized something wasn't right. We were losing our mom. She started to get very child like in that last week. Thing's were definitely not the same. She was able to walk to the bathroom, which was about 8 feet away from her bed with the help of myself and a walker. On that day, she didn't ask me for help. She wanted to do it on her own. I was in the other room watching T.V. and I heard a scream and when I went to go look what happened she was on the bathroom floor. Her ankles were so fragile that they both broke. She kept trying to get up and I told her just lay there and I will get help. She went into shock and lost a lot of blood. It was very horrifying what I saw. We went to the hospital. They had to do surgery. While she was waiting for a surgeon she was highly medicated. My mom became very Yellow and cold we thought we were losing her right then and there in the ER. Finally after about 11 hours of losing blood and constant bandage changes it seemed every 5 minutes, a surgeon came and took her away. My mom had the surgery and it seemed all was well. She came out ok. She was very Yellow and cold kind of clammy to touch. She constantly said that she was thirsty. It was hard to see her that way.
Well later on that evening my mom had a heart attack in the recovery room. They had to put her on a monitor and moved her to the ICU. She became stable then it happened again. The DR. said that she would need to have an angioplasty due to 98% blockage in her right valve and her left was 88% clogged as well. So my mom in less then 24 hours had surgery on her ankles and had an angioplasty on her right valve. She was scheduled the following day to have it done on her left one they wanted to give her heart time to recoup from the previous surgery done the evening before. At about 10:00, my sister called me. I had just left the hospital at about 9:15pm. She said my mom had another heart attack and this one was bad. My sister said to prepare for the worst. How do you do that, for me one minute I am talking to her and the next she falls and it became less then 48 hours of agony and pain. One thing after another for my poor Momma. The stress from the ankle surgery the blockage's in her heart (that couldn't just pop-up). They think that's why she was so ill that week. She was dying before are eyes and we didn't even know it. My mom passed that night at 11:45pm. My mom was 68 years young. I felt as if it was my fault, because I was there with her when she had the fall. I just to this day do not understand why my mom didn't ask me for help to get to the bathroom. We were on a clock she always asked me for help, but that day she didn't. WHY? I will never forget my mom. It's been very hard.
We had a viewing because my mom wanted to be cremated. It was very hard.
Now the holidays are coming and we do not know how to deal. I have 7 siblings and many nieces and nephews as well as my own daughter that's 11. They all ask where do we go from here, and all we can do is go forward.
Like I said I still have the guilt and it's eating at me daily will this pain ever go away? How can I numb it?
Mom,
You are loved and truly missed.
Jilene
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