Dear T,

It's easier to not tell you about my pain while experiencing it. Because you say just the right words and you care - I know you do on some level. That care is too much. It hurts me - literal pain all week until we meet again. I *hate* that and not sure i can withstand it. I'm afraid of myself and like I told you during our first session, I have to stay functioning. I have a family to take care of and support. I have to, T.

What can you say to make it work out? What can you do to really help me? I don't know. I like you but I'm doubting the process right now...it hurts to hold back from you and keep you at arms length but it hurts more when I let you in. Deep down inside I believe it's probably better not to withhold from you but will you be there when I fall? Once I share my guts out will you try to put it together again and make it pretty? Will you tell me I'm all set and send me on my way, pushing me out the door? Will you get frustrated with me and give up? Will you pretend I never told you in the first place and ignore it all in the end?

I guess that's the main thing...I hate being left alone just when I need someone the most. So that's why I'm holding my cards close. Sometimes this whole thing feels like some sick game. Once I give it up, it's over and I'm no better off but you will be moving on - congratulating yourself for being such a good T. Do I really feel this way, T? What does it mean? Ugh. Kinda ugly, isn't it? /: