Quote:
Originally Posted by soxcatch
Yes, I recognize the behavior on my part, but I have a very hard time trying to control it when it crops up. I've had issues in my past with anger as well that have gotten better with time away from the ex, so to me it's really about learning self control for a number of my emotions.
I wish I could be that calm, cool guy that could keep it all contained but that's never really been me. Even in better forms, like when I was an athlete in my younger days, I always threw my passion out there on the field.
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I think it is a mistake to be trying to control or contain your emotions. Emotions are information to let you know what is going on with you in relation to yourself and your world to help you make good action choices. The feeling is not the action! You can decide to be angry and state your case in a calm fashion or you can punch your fist through a wall; the first is using your head to help you, the second, not so much :-)
If I were you, I'd recognize when you are jealous, angry, etc. and then immediately be happy about that! You have "caught" your feeling as you are feeling it and can now use it, along with your brain, to come up with a really good action that will help you and the person you are with. Instead of storming over to a guy your girlfriend is talking to and telling him she's "yours" and to quit flirting with her, you first add to your jealousy how great your girlfriend is, she's "worth" flirting with! You know a wonderful person in your girlfriend.
Then, you ice that cake and remind yourself of your girlfriend's characteristics: she loves you, she is good to you, she is not off in a corner with this guy and, if you go over and stand next to her you bet she'll introduce you to the guy and include you in the conversation. . . about the fun activity the two of you did the other day.
Action? You walk over and stand next to your girlfriend with a smile on your face and wonder if the guy likes any of the same things you do because he might make a good friend since he appreciates what you appreciate (your girlfriend).
Yes, it will take time! But, the more you work on noticing the moment when you are upset, the faster you will be concentrating on yourself and how to help yourself with your anxiety/fears/hurts so they don't spill over on others where they don't belong (yet; just because you trust and are able to trust again after being hurt does not mean you will never be hurt again, only that you can take care of yourself in a healthy manner and help yourself heal). It is not so much what other people do/have done to us that matters as the number we are doing on ourselves thinking and waiting for something outside of us to make it all better. The other person has to not cheat, the other person has to not hurt you, the other person did hurt you so you are unwilling to trust this person in front of you that has not hurt/cheated on you. Looking at the other person, instead of ourselves, we can't get inside here (to our heart and healing) from out there!