It all started when i couldnt maintain my sleep schedule. I need at least 8 hours sleep. at first i couldnt sleep on time, slept at 3 a.m. instead of normal 1 a.m. two days went like this,then for next two days i couldn't sleep till 5 a.m. as result barely slept 5-6 hours, but still felt normal. but yesterday was worse, a small incident happened, nothing i would have cared much if i was all right, but i was on edge and it was 8.44 a.m. when finally i could sleep.

It's not the sleep or dreams i have problems with. it's those 10 minutes after i close my eyes to go to sleep. horrible images dance in front of my eyes. i think i am afraid of those 10 minutes that's why i don't want to sleep. or perhaps sleep deprivation makes me little manic, if feels great as long as i am awake or it is something else.

anyway last month has been one of the best in 2-3 years. But these three days are worse. i think i am alright but that depression, it always starts like this. there was shopping spree. few days ago suddenly i realized i am still using lot of things which remind me of my depression in last 2-3 years. i realized i am still using same sandals for 2 years i didn't want to use those anymore. i thought they don't looked horrible, why didn't i buy new ones ? where was my head ? it was night when i realized this and i actually wanted to hide my sandals so i dont have to even look at them. so i bought new sandals online, i was almost going to buy blue suede/nubuck shoes instead, just because i don't have blue colored shoes. anyway just month ago i had bought suede shoes, so somehow i managed to stop myself from buying those shoes. it was too late at night so i went to sleep. i woke up next morning first thing i did was to check that site again. i needed to buy something more, i realized i don't have ankle high socks so bought them. again i realized i don't have camel colored suede polish for my month old shoes so i bought it. i also bought two more things that day. yesterday i didn't buy anything but realized i am using same wallet for 2 years, i searched new wallet online ,was going to buy it, but it had one compartment less than my current one so skipped it. i saw green,red colored belts on site normally you don't get much colors for guys belts so i added all these things to wish list. today i opened eBay and ordered one skull ring, one snake ring minutes before stating to write this thread.

i think this shopping spree is because of depression. maybe shopping gives serotonin rush and that's why i am doing it again and again. anyway i need to sleep at least on 3 a.m. today but since i slept at 9 a.m. yesterday i doubt i could sleep before 6-7 a.m. I cant move my sleep timing for more than 2 hours. i can stay awake till 11 a.m. but cant sleep at 3 a.m.

So any advice/tricks on how to keep fixed sleeping schedule ??? i need to sleep at 1 a.m. sharp everyday for at least a month. and what you do when there is this shopping urge ??? perhaps i will watch that new iron man movie tomorrow to make me feel good. i really don't need another depressive episode now. but this is how that thing starts !!!