Ok, I know this is weird, but I'm trying to figure out what to do.

I was molested as a child and then I was raped by 2 men when I was 13. It lasted for hours and they ripped me REALLY bad. My sexual abuse continued for another 7 years by several other men. I have permanent scar tissue surrounding my vagina and cuts that never heal. I am 21 now and I cannot have sex, sit down properly, wipe when I use the bathroom, etc. because it is excruciating.

Being molested and raped were my first sexual experiences and I wish I could've lost my virginity to someone that I love, who loves me. I am having surgery soon to repair the damage to the inside and outside of my vagina and I have been considering getting my hymen repaired during that. I know it sounds silly and I know I cannot recreate what happened to me, but I feel like maybe it will make me feel a little better. But then I also think it may make me feel worse.

I do not have a boyfriend or anything and I'm worried that if I do meet someone, I'll have to explain at some point or another, and they're going to say that I'm not really a virgin and it will go horribly wrong. I'm also really afraid of the pain -- it was the WORST pain in my entire life when my hymen was broken but I also don't know if a lot of that was because of the situation I was in.

Am I overanalyzing everything? Do you think it would be weird if I had my hymen repaired? Please help me!!