It's been a while since my last post. I keep telling myself that I have to stay engaged with communicating and stop shutting myself off from the world. That is easier said than done. I have no idea how to keep things positive in my head. I start off feeling optimistic, and something always seems to put me back in that bottomless black hole. I live in a small town where if you don't tell people your business, they'll simply make things up about you. I'm the first to admit that maybe I keep to myself a lot, but I've been stabbed in the back more times than I can count. Now, I find that I'm being forced to defend myself to people I don't even know, and who don't know me. The more I try to uncomplicate my life, the more complicated it becomes.

A large part of my bad feelings is generated by some news I received a few days ago. Years ago I became close friends with someone who I connected with right away. We had so much in common, and we could confide in each other about anything. Only a few short years later, she moved to another state, and we lost contact. Well, I located a relative of hers and became so excited about the prospect of getting together with my close friend again. But now, that isn't going to happen. Her relative informed me that my friend passed away 7 years ago. I went from excited to overwhelmed with depression, and finally, I actually feel jealous of her. I sincerely envy her. This happens often. I hear about someone passing away, and I feel sad, but soon after I feel envious, and I'm reminded that I do have something to look forward to. Death. It sounds crazy, but I'm just saying what I feel.