Dealing w/depression for as long as i can remember. The same reccurent thoughts and feelings. I dont have any support. Live alone. Have taken meds, tons of meds off and on and in combo for years.

I have gone beyond the point of being able to help myself. I can just barely get the energy to breathe. My house is a mess, im not bathing/brushing teeth. If i didnt have to work i wouldnt ever talk to anyone or bathe or get out of the house at all. Work is getting more difficult, procrastinating, not answering the phone, doing the minimum, hiding that i am slacking off. I dont have anyone to check on me, no supportive family or friends. I think about going to a hospital and having someone make me wake up, take meds, bathe, make sure im okay, talk to me, make me talk to them, help me, shelter me. But how could i just take a month or even a few weeks off, i cant.

Barely had the energy/mind strength to find a therapist but need to call a psych for meds. Taking cymbalta only right now from pcp. I know theres a lot i need to/should do but i feel like no one understands, i feel incapcitated, uncapable of having enough organized thought to even be able to dial the damn phone and make an appt. If i can barely gather the will to shower how am i supposed to be able to take the steps to get help? I have no one to help me. I feel overwhelmed and am getting to a point of just letting everything go. Thinking, what if i just dont go to work, dont answer the phone when they call, what if someone has to break the door down to find me. What if i just allow the darkness to swallow me. Would i be homeless? Would i be dead?