hi my pc peeps ,i know i have been beating this issue to death a lot .the problem is i have been sitting on it for three weeks,and i am going to see my T in 2 days and the closer it gets the more freaked out i get. i feel i need to be able to figure all this out or just cash it all in and walk away for good.
after i freaked out big time in T about a month ago my T has been trying to figure out ways to help me feel safe and be able to talk easier to her.i had told her about the fact that i had been brought to this place as a child for family T when i was young. i didn't remember how young.i thought it was 3rd grade .anyway i told her that i didn't remember much about the T sessions but the mother said that the T told her to do the horrible things she did to me ,to help with my behavior. i think i have talked before about how she use to sit me in a chair and have the family laugh at me, call me names, and make fun of me for hours at a time.it was horrible and the stuff she said was horrible.(i wont go into that) this went on for a very long time ,or at least it seemed to,anyway.
my T had talked about getting my records from when i was there before but had decided she wanted to look into it sooner then later. she asked for my maiden name and asked if it was OK for her to look it up.i said i didn't care and gave her the name. we talked a little about school and how i hated it and about how i didn't like talking to the people there. she asked if any one had come to the house from school or if the mother had ever gone to the school. i said no and she thought if things were so bad it was strange. i was thinking i just didn't remember then .but i was hearing doubt in my T voice and seeing it in her manner.i hate that,i feel that she doesn't believe me at all.that always eventually happens when it comes to the mother. when i got home i remembered that the mother had some of my report cards saved and i thought it might say something about how things were. i found my report cards from 1st grade to 6th grade. when i found those it completely threw my world into a spin and i have been keeping it under control for weeks and don't know what to do or how to deal.i think i will start with sharing some of what the teachers wrote in one of them that devastated me.....

TEACHER...
Granite does a nice job in her reading book- in her other subjects she needs to pay more attention to her own work- and not everyones else. She makes many mistakes- partly do to carelessness and not following directions. also she must remember to return her homework. with more effort I'm sure Granite can improve her work.

this one was not so bad but this was the mothers response from the mother

Feel free to keep granite in at recess to correct careless work. ask Granite to repeat instructions to keep her on her toes. if she does not know them criticize her publicly. this has helped her nature at home. i appreciate what you have done in the past.

the mother was referring to when she would sit me in that chair and humiliate me for hours .and also beat me when doing my homework.but this was the teachers response to the mother.

Granite needs improvement in most areas- her oral reading and silent reading can be good when she puts her mind to it..most of her written work is carelessly done-and many times incomplete-she loves to talk and look around- frequently her conduct leaves much to be desired.her main problem is to settle down and think which she is very capable of doing- thank you for the help you have given her at home--i feels this helps a great deal.

i had so many reactions to reading this on so many emotional levels.

the first thought was horror that this teacher was thanking the mother for what she was doing to me at home and how she sees that it was helping me. . i swear this was how i learned that talking to anyone or expressing anything was bad but i thought i never talked. that it was just who i was. but i did talk

the second was,OMG i did talk and it was way to much and i got in trouble for this ,i was misbehaved quite badly and the teacher hated me. this is not how i remembered it. i remember hating everyone at school ,and yes if they tried to interact with me i was horribly mean and maybe even violent. but i don't remember just talking to the other kids at all. or acting out until way later in school.

the third was,as i read all this it seemed to me she was writing about an older child, BUT in fact i was only in SECOND GRADE when this was all happening. i was so so young. how could i be so horrible.

the fourth was, wow i was looking at proof that the mother was doing and saying horrible things to me at home .i was not making it up,i was not imagining it at all. but at the same time i was horrified to see that she had reason to treat me the way she was. i was a horrible child. the teacher proves that also. i didn't listen ,i was hyper,mean, unwilling to work.and had horrible conduct.i was a bad kid.no wonder the mother did what she did. anyway...this is ware i am at now.

after reading these report cards i am sure that the records the T wants to read with me are just an extension of these report cards. i don't want her to read about how horrible i was. i am terrified it will turn her against me. just like anything that has to do with the mother. she will see that at one point i did talk and i was a horrible kid. she will not believe me that the mother has abusive . even i can see that now there are two parts to this and that i was not Innocent at all. it was nice to have my T support me unconditionally .and if i let this go on i know that will come to an end .she will never believe me. my T will change. this has happened in the past as soon as anything regarding the mother is introduced into my T things change.i am looked at as bad,unhelpable ,untruthful,selfish,spoiled,demanding,manipulative,and much much more......i can't handle that right now.

i don't know what to do. just give up.