You are doing it on purpose. It's all a part of life. The World is a Stage and life is a drama whether you or I like it or not. All of us are forced to say or do things that are contradictory to the way we feel but lots of times we say or do things because we need attention or we need something else. And I'm not saying that everyone should have a free ticket to lie or complain or whatever to get what they need.

(ie. Don't feel that guilty about it unless you're always purposely relying on it and/or going over-the-top. And I know that this is a very real problem with some Personality Disorders if you read up on them.)

Alan Watts (Professor, Eastern Philosopher, Lecturer) explains this exactly in his lectures: How modern Western life is a drama whether you like it or not and it results in your "true self" (your real emotions and actions) being suppressed/repressed. It does this by way of myths, religion, laws, contradictions, etc. that are handed down to us. And consequently, you're forced to decide what to do about this predicament. Check him out on youtube. Excellent and sobering and precise speaker.

"The Nature Of Consciousness" ()
- "One of our major problems of today is to find an adequate, satisfying image of the World....I'll go further than that and say how we can get our sensations and our feelings in accordance with the most sensible image of the World that we can manage to conceive.)

The Hindu religion is based on the fact that life is a drama and ends up killing the "true self".

I've felt for years that it almost seems that to get PDOCs to believe what you tell them about what you feel/experience is by doing something drastic that is out-of-character just in order to get them to listen and to get better treatment. Sometimes I'm almost convinced that they need to see that in order to believe what you tell them. (I've never done that because that's too much like "crying wolf" for me.)