Hey everybody. Thanks for choosing to take the time to read this.

So, I was involved with a married man. Over time, it started taking its toll on me. (He initiated the flirting, I stayed away because I knew he was married, he started initiating alone time, then he kissed me, and... not too much time after, we became involved.) I gave him plenty of outs, and myself, too.

I never thought I'd be involved with a married man, but now I understand how it can happen. I'm not saying it's right, but there you go.

Anyway, it came to the point where it started to get too much. I really supported his decision to make a change in his life. (He said his marriage was over for a few years already, but they hadn't done anything about it because of their kids and because he didn't like confrontation.) I wanted to make sure he wasn't taking steps to end his marriage because of me. I didn't want to be that person. He reassured me this was something he was going to do regardless.

We got close. We had a connection. He was the first 'boyfriend' to really support me, to not run away because of occassional mental health issues, and he was really open and willing to have that serious talk whenever it was necessary, and so much more.

Months later and he hadn't yet done anything about his situation. We exchanged advice and suggestions often. This eventually lead to me telling him that he should think about what this is doing to him, and to his kids. (I'm a child of divorce and knew what was going on even at a young age. Kids aren't stupid, they know when something is going on.) He said the entire time he's been thinking about what it's doing to me, and apologized, stated again his fear of confrontation, and that perhaps he got lazy, and also he's afraid of telling his kids about the lie he and their mother have been living for years now.

So, about a week ago, I told him he needed to fight for himself, for his kids... and for me. In order for me to invest more, I needed to see some action on his part. I hated having to do that, but the ambiguity was hurting me, and quite frankly, I started to worry he might lose custody of his kids if we were found out. I couldn't live with that. So, it was ultimatum-ish, which I didn't like, but I needed some kind of action either way. Light a fire under his bum so to speak, and stop the constant "we have feelings for each other" but can't do anything about it cycle.

A few days ago he came back and told me he started taking steps to move out, and then tell the kids. Finally, right? He also said he "can't do this" right now. His feelings for me hadn't changed, and he didn't want me to think he's running away because of the personal issues I disclosed (like previous bfs had) but he can't be there for me the way he'd like, or the way I need, and that it was hurtful for us both.

Agreed. I'm a very emotional (in the sense that I wear my heart on my sleeve) individual, but that day, I felt so numb, so emotionless. I was very quiet even after he asked if I wanted to say anything. I said no. What was I going to say, really? He asked if he could hug me. I didn't deny him that. We hugged and then he left. I've been feeling the need to cry since that day, but as soon as my eyes water up, the urge stops. I'm really confused about my reaction, or lack thereof. I know it was the right thing to do. The ambiguity is gone.

Where did my emotions go, though? It's almost like it was too easy. I've had amicable breakups before, but even then I showed more emotion (on my own time, mostly). I don't understand. I also don't know what I'm really asking from readers on here. I guess I just needed to get this out in a 'safe' place perhaps.

Anyway, thank you so much for reading my long ramble. If you feel struck in any way about any of this, I would like to hear from you. Much appreciated. Thank you.