I have "buried my head in the sand", been in denial, suppressed these things for years and just recently everything has started to surface and I must deal with this I'm looking for opinions. It is long and strange about a dysfunctional family. I'm very deeply depressed I've been through a lot and feel no one can relate. I also realized I was molested as a child it came like a flashback a few weeks ago.

As a young child growing up my mother had a post-pardom depression after her second child (my sister) and is an untreated, paranoid schizophrenic to this day as well as her brother (my uncle). My uncle had the schizophrenia since he was 15 lives with my grandmother and she doesn't let him out of her sight, have any friends, she drives him around at all hours of the night and I've seen him at his worse when he is off of medication he stays up all night, takes all pictures off of the walls and wears black sunglasses. When he would not take his medication he would go into my grandmothers bed and put a pillow around his head (I guess to shut out the voices) I watched all this go on as a young child confused and horrified. My grandmother is an extremely right wing, ignorant, extremely racist, obese, diabetic senior without a television and an extremely filthy house and doesn't wash and thinks she is smarter then everyone and knows everything. My father was a police officer, a tight wad and a cheap skate who worked everyday never showed me much love or affection and spanked me as a child and made me go to church every sunday.

When I was 5-8 My mother was arrested by police constantly, I watched her get arrested several times, had her drivers licence taken away because she used to run red lights, harass people, drive on the neighbours lawn at 5:00am and honk the horn, she chased people walking their dog, verbally abused people, put bomb threat notes to people, closed all the curtains at home, cut off my sisters hair while sleeping, her and my grandmother would have big fights constantly yelling, she would flip the entire kitchen table over full of dishes and would pinch my grandmothers buttocks calling her a slut, they had a huge physical fight in the middle of the street one year. I watched all this confused and horrified as a child. My mother would leave me and my sister alone and we would be terrified and hide under the bed - we also touched each other sexually and pretend to have sex with each other. I began to masterbate a lot after a doctor uncomfortably placed his stethoscope on my vagina and I enjoyed it (while my grandmother sat there in the room I was 6 or 7) (she was good friends with this doctor I later discovered) and other things I didn't understand like why my grandmother would have me stand and put her mouth on my vagina and make weird sounds while her and my mother sat there laughing about it (5 yrs old)

I had a hymongenoma (birthmark that appears as a bright red patch or a nodule of extra blood vessels in the skin. It grows during the first year of life, and then recedes over time.) until I was 12 but accepted it and didn't let it bother me. I had lots of friends, was an over achiever, did well academically, was very good at all sports. Entering middle school I was teased and called names and an outcast until the end of the summer I ended up being accepted by the popular kids and stayed out late swimming and came home late. My father was furious freaked out and said I was smoking pot when my eyes war red from the chlorine. I got the hymongenoma removed that turned into a scar and learned to do my hair and put on makeup. I was attractive after all and got a lot of attention I began to have sleepovers and had girlfriends. My father threw a fit when he heard I was having sleepovers then placed me over his knee at 13 started spanking me violently, grabbed me by the hair and threw me on the ground and started kicking me. I called the police on him. I became extremely rebellious and did whatever I wanted to after this.

My household there was never any decent food, sometimes no cable, no love, just chaos. I would be cold shivering (Canadian winter) because my father controlled the thermostat and I couldn't put the heat on. I'd use a hair dryer when it would be so cold. I had to sleep with ear plugs every night because my mother would scream her head off. I was dressed in salvation army clothing all through out my childhood and my grandmother would go in peoples garbages and collect peoples garbage she called it "rummaging" (various items.. clocks, clothes, books etc. anything of use). She also used to go steal from the Salvation Army donation bin in the middle of the night, scream at muslims and french people from her car, pollute by throwing things out of her car window, tell me never get married and have children, would convince my mother to have me sit out during Sex Ed in school. Children's Aid were involved sometimes. I couldn't have any friends my dad would look them up on his police computer if they had a history of shoplifting or something he would print out their photos and put it under my door. He someone found a way of knowing all my business and prying into my life. We had to all have a key and lock to our bedrooms and keep them shut and locked at all times.

I'm going to stop here because this is a long rambling. Why am I looking back on this now? Aren't these people insane? What is wrong with these people? Do you think this had an effect on who I am today???

My sister rebelled, self harmed for years(cutting) and shoplifted and I was blamed for everything wrong she did my father would say it was all my fault. She absolutely hates me and it makes me very sad. She also verbally abuses and ignores me. She was very jealous of me through out her teens. I honestly feel she tries to destroy me and my life. My mother laughed at her all through out her life. She was really bad I had to yell at my dad to take her to the childrens hospital she used a ton of drugs to cope.

I'm now an alcoholic, socially anxious, depressed, suicidal, recluse, binge eater I'm still young (23) and have no guidance I feel I made a lot of bad choices and got involved with the wrong things (stripping, prostitution, dating criminals, pimps) I was a stripping at 16 under age. I feel I never had a chance to be a child or have a nice life because of these people and their ********. I'm getting into therapy. I got 161 on that test here on this site. I'm tired. Too many bad experiences now this depression is taking over my life and I have no one to help me because I don't really have a family that can help me or any friends due to my social anxiety. I feel so alone and I am a recluse. The more I dig back the more things make sense. I just feel I will never be happy again. All of my happy memories were always away from those people. I used to feel very guilty I wasn't strong enough to handle all this. But I have been fighting for a long time. Life hasn't been the best to me but I don't want to dwell on it

HOW DO YOU COPE REALIZING YOUR FAMILY IS COMPLETELY INSANE AND YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS INSANITY?
I find the whole thing hilarious it is complete insanity. People don't live like this. I feel isolated but don't think I want these people in my life anymore?