I can't tell from your self description whether you are getting medical help. If not please do.
I can't deal with the depression and panic and anxiety without medication. Period. I may never get off of the meds and I say thank heavens for them. At least I can make choices and function with them. Why suffer if something can help you?
I'm saying these things as if you aren't getting help. If you are then I beg your pardon.
Regardless of all that I hope you find relief really soon. We all are suffering the same thing and it's really hard.