Yesterday my grandma pushed me into my rabbit hole that I try so desperately to avoid. I don't know if she did it on purpose or was accidental. Been kindda rough for a few weeks/months now. I've wanted desperately to SI but have refrained from major SI I've only hit, dug my nails into my palm, and pulled my hair. No blood no foul right? I feel a need to do more now that things with grandma happened like minimize food. But I don't think that'll be enough. Depression, anxiety, and possible borderline personality is making this even harder I just want a way to control my emotions when they run wild and the whole world goes wonky. I feel like Alice must have falling into the rabbit hole. Everything is wrong even when its right. Wish I coulc just sleep until therapy appt tomorrow with new therapist. Wish I could get my brain out of negative drive. Worst case scenarios rarely happen but that's where my mind has gone. I'm going to fight to stay right side up in this land of upside down. Can't give in to the urge.