Figured it was time to finish the story.

I was never able to get up the courage to say "we need to talk" but I did try 3-4 more times to get him to come over for a drink so I could talk to him, without explicitly asking for the "talk". He always had some excuse. I did get him to bring his boys over for dinner one night a couple months ago but wasn't able to talk to him with them around. After that many rejections in a row, I decided to give up and get over him.

So, I've been reading some books and listening to some hypnosis tapes and doing some visualizations trying to move on. It was working okay, slow going but my thoughts of him seemed to be dwindling.

Then, last night, at my son's birthday party, one of his boys mentioned his dad has a girlfriend. It was like a brick in the gut. Worse. I've been crying and unable to eat and feeling nauseous since. I was only able to sleep with medication.

I can't remember the last time I felt this awful. The grief when my friends and my mom died was horrible in a different way, but at least it never made me question my worth. At least it wasn't a rejection. What makes it worse is that I feel awful that we never even had a relationship, just a friendship with a bit of sex, and that it's been THREE MONTHS and I still feel this way. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I had to force myself to come to work today. I can't help but hate myself for having emotions this intense over something so casual.

He was always so happy about being single, so thrilled about his new found freedom, that I never expected him to want to make me (or anyone) his girlfriend no matter how much he liked me. So, what does this girl have that I don't that made him want to make her his girlfriend? Why didn't he think I deserved so much as a good bye? How crazy would I look if I asked for the explanation now? Do I care anymore if he knows I'm crazy? Would knowing the specific details of why he didn't ever want to see me again really make me feel better?