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Although it briefly alludes to it, I don't think the article is focusing on over-identifying with the illness. It's more of an existential exploration, I think, though very concrete in some ways as well. How her episodes, hospitalizations, and their aftermath, the medications, the mental healthcare system, have affected her role as a mother, a wife, and her confusion as to what and who she is underneath all of this. The confusion when coming out of the fog of her episodes, who is she beneath and beyond all of this. How doctors focus on symptoms and treatment and not the person -the whole person- sitting in front of them.
I don't know, maybe I need to re-read it, though.
I've gone through relatively long periods of being well. But when I come out of an episode, I wonder to what extent that person, thinking those things, feelings those things, doing those things, is me -because it doesn't feel like it, and it's so confusing. At my worst, during episodes, I've had this terrifying feeling of separating from myself, like someone or something else takes over. Sometimes I feel like, each time, a little more of me is chipped away.
Maybe part of the challenge is finding ways to integrate all of the different parts of ourselves, all of our different selves -which may be a challenge for people in general, but for us, maybe it's a bit harder or in any case different; we need to integrate these experiences (episodes, medication effects) into ourselves and our lives, and manage to celebrate and strengthen the parts of ourselves -the many aspects of ourselves- that are not touched by the illness, or that live on beside it and beyond it and despite it.
And then, of course, aside from the illness itself, there are the medications. I know some people manage without them, but I need medications to stay well, or well most of the time, that's the way it is, and I'm not ashamed of it. But as far as identity, there is the issue of what I would be like without them -is the tradeoff tenable (meds or no meds), it's not in my case. But I struggle with balancing Seroquel doses (the one med that is increased and decreased depending on what's going on) between keeping me stable, and keeping me myself at the same time. Unfortunately, there's no perfect formula (and no definitive cure, if you believe every expert out there, whether you're taking meds or following a certain diet, or using other modalities of treatment). I'm hoping that the more I get to know myself, how I feel, who I am (through therapy) the better I will be able to find the right balance, for any given time in my life.
Here's to finding and maintaining a strong sense of who we are amidst all the storms!
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