I have noticed that some of my fears that usually only apply to guys I am attracted to, has, recently, also been applying to my brother. (I am not attracted to my brother at all, to be clear.)

Usually, I feel affectionately towards the guys I'm attracted to and have had sex with, and I care about them, even though it is a casual relationship. They are usually pretty valuable to me because when I am upset or lonely, it is usually most effective for me to text friendly and jokey conversation to guys who I am attracted to. (In person would be better, but usually I don't have guys like that I can go to, usually they are far away or unable or too busy to hang out.) However, I always feel like these guys don't care about me, are kind of using me, and would be willing to hurt me at any second, and to leave me and not even be friends with me anymore, ever. I feel like they do not value me or like me that much and I feel expendable and kind of worthless to them, and it feels kind of ******, and scary. Usually I feel like it turns out to be true because they do leave me and don't want to talk to me anymore ever, but I feel those ways right from the very beginning, even when they are being nice to me.

None of the guys I'm attracted to who I would go to to text and cheer me up will talk to me anymore, and I've found that texting my brother is rather effective. He and I had had a pretty crappy relationship, and it didn't start significantly improving until the past several months, though there is still a bit of a strain and awkwardness. I was home from college for spring break and so was he and when I was at school I missed him, and I hardly miss anybody. I admire him a lot and think very well of him. And when I left home to go back to school, I sat on the bus and got a feeling similar to how I feel about guys who I'm attracted to - that my brother doesn't care about me, I am worthless to him, I care about him more than he cares about me - just like I always do with guys I'm attracted to - and he won't be here for me and he won't want to be friends with me because I am not worth that to him, and that is kind of similar to the fear I have of being left. He and I won't ever be in an actual interpersonal relationship, a friendship, we will never be in a real relationship (just like I'm not in a real relationship with any of these guys, they are basically acquaintances I have sex with) - my brother and I will never be close or real friends because he will never value me or like me enough to want to be friends with me. Right now it feels like he is an acquaintance and he only talks to me out of convenience and out of obligation as a brother. That is the feeling I get and my fears and my perceptions, even though I know they might be inaccurate.

I just thought it was interesting that that feeling extended beyond guys I'm attracted to, to another male who I'm not attracted to. I'm curious about what is going on there. Was wondering if anyone has felt the same way.