I'm so sorry you are going through this hard time. I am happy that you are going to seek help. that's such good news. Struggling 5 years all alone-- so difficult.
It's so much better when you get some help and support. See a professional and get treatment. But post on this forum also.Most of us have been through similar feelings and we can truly relate and understand. When you express yourself to others who have similar experiences it opens a whole world of belonging and something inside just softens and you relax a little, you feel a little love, you experience a tiny glow of joy.
Let us know how you go on