Sometimes that's all I want.. to just die.
Wouldn't things be easier?.. to end this long feeling of emptiness.. but it's wrong. I know it is.
It just sounds so perfect, to just not feel anything.. almost like not being human.. but it doesn't work that way.
I feel sick. I ate yesterday, twice. It doesn't sound abnormal.. but I had two full meals, which is something I don't usually do. I usually snack and have like one meal per day. it's not healthy and i know it, but I just don't care. I can't care.
I think I'm going to throw up.
..My God, is this turning into an eating disorder?
Watching documentaries on TV about eating disorders, I always wondered why people would do that.. why they would starve themselves or vomit.. because it is not pleasant. Why would someone do that to themselves?
I guess there really is no answer. When you are so unhappy with everyone and everything, mostly yourself, you just don't care. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't want to have an eating disorder .According to some, people with eating disorders often do it because they want control.. they feel that they have no control over anything in their lives except for eating..
..that's exactly how i feel. This scares me. Sometimes I have to be forced to eat. I hate eating.. but I try to force myself to eat anyway.
I feel weak and tired and I don't want to do anything. I feel useless and a waste of life. I just don't know what to do. I feel hopeless.
Finally, I have an appointment with a psychologist lady. I've been looking forward to talking to someone.. but now that I'm getting that opportunity, I don't want to go. I am dreading Thursday. I have no idea what to say to her, where to start. I have trouble opening up to people.. but then what if I open up TOO MUCH?
i'm scared. I have no one to talk to about that in my life. Nobody understands or cares.
My mother is crazy. She has her own problems.. plus she doesn't care about mine. She thinks only her problems are serious and worth considering. To her, my problems are minor and unimportant. Every time I talk to her, she takes things so lightly, and she sort of makes fun of me for being stressed out. She says that since I don't do anything {i graduated from highschool and don't have a freaking job} that I shouldn't be stressed out. Or tired.
I am so, so, so tired. ALL THE TIME..I hate getting up from bed.
My family gets mad at me because I don't cook for them or clean the house since I am home all day.. but I just can't. Believe me, sometimes I really want to, even if just to shut them up, but I can't. I have no energy to do anything.
Even typing is a struggle. I just want to lay down and die.. or sleep. whichever.
But i know that if I go in my room and lay down, I'm going to start feeling worse and having worse thoughts about myself.
I feel useless.
I want to get a job so i have something to do since I can't go to school right now.. but I don't actually want a job. I don't want to do anything.
My self esteem is sooo low. There is nothing I like about myself, nothing.
I have no friends anymore and i don't feel like making any. But I do want friends.. i just hate myself too much and i know others won't like me, like i don't like myself.
I don't date. My guy friends that have been asking me to hang out with them and sorta hitting on me, I don't like. I avoid their phone calls.. I want a boyfriend.. but it seems like there's no one out there for me.. plus, how can i make someone happy if i can't even make myself happy??
I feel so alone.. I do spend a lot of time alone.. only for several hours per day is my family home.. and they only talk to me when they need something.. like for me to cook cuz they're too tired .. or to clean or yell at me for not doing anything.. other than that, on most days, i am all alone at home.. hating life. my friend called me this morning.. i ignored her calls..
My aunt called cuz she wants me to go shopping with her.. i didn't call her back.
i want to go, sort of.. but i just feel like it takes to much effort to get ready and clean the house before I can leave..
my "best friend" might as well be dead.. because that's what she is to me.
I feel like I'm dead.
I'm losing sight of my hopes and dreams.. i don't care anymore.. feels like nothing is going to help.. nothing or no one.
this suxxxxxxxxx
great, another long, useless post.
SORRY