Recently I have been having serious internal conflicts about my marriage. A couple months ago I caught my wife sending naked picture to some guy overseas. I was so furious I was ready to move out. I didn't talk to her for four days and as a act of passive aggression I out my wedding ring on her desk as a sign I was done. This is the second time that I have caught her doing something like this.

I was also feeling some guilt, maybe inappropriately. I thought was what she really did that bad? Maybe I ignored her too much and was too preoccupied with school or work. Withdrawing when I am depressed is also something that is common for me. In the previous month I tried opening up to her about my depression and what my struggle is. I felt really vulnarable and scared to share that stuff with her. After doing so, I caught her in the midst of an emotional affair.

A week after all of this happened, she wrote me a letter saying how bad she messed up. She was truely sorry and wanted to fix things. After I read the letter I went and talked to her. I told her everything that is bothering me about the releationship and she seemed really remorseful.

One thing sticks out in my mind though. She self harmed. She scratched her arm and said she sat in the backyard, in the cold to punish herself. She also said she didn't want to live without me. Telling me this also intentisified the guilt for me. We ended up having sex that night. The next day I started to feel depressed. I felt trapped and still do.

I know I used to love her and she meant a lot to me. Recently we went to marriage counseling to try and communicate better and helped some. Recently though when she kisses me and hugs me I don't feel much. She isn't someone I really want to spend time with anymore, and I am also sexually unsatisfied. The last four times we had sex I haven't finished. I just could get there and after an hour I stopped. It may he the meds, but it has been I while since I looked at her body and was turned on. The weight thing is a turn off for me.

One of the recent times we had sex, it was really lack luster. I don't think she was in the mood and she mostly just laid there. Then I couldn't get her emotional affair out of my head, and I just felt disgusted by her. I just stopped. I made some excuse, I don't know why I can't talk to her about this.

I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and I think I may also have borderline personality disorder. I don't blow up though, I mainly implode, self harm and tear myself down when things get overwhelming.

I don't know how to sort out my feelings. Sometimes I want her and others I want nothing to do with her. Other times I want nothing to do with life, but I think that is mainly the depression cloudling my outlook. I don't know how to figure this out. How do you know if you still love someone and want to be with them? How do I restore trust and faith in the releationship? I am at a loss at the moment.

I also fear if I end things I will slip into a deep depression and screw my life up. For better or for worse, being with her gives me something to live for and a reason to try and keep everything together. I have serious doubts I could live without someone in my life. I think the feelings of emptiness would consume me and I would do something drastic.