((((Baker)))) I feel your pain and confusion. You are not alone. My mother did the same exact thing to me with my sibling(s). It is so confusing, hurtful and simply crazy-making. It absolutely makes no sense, whatsoever, to me, as well.
It hurts terribly to know / feel that because you are getting off the rollercoaster, there is a chance you might not hear from your mother again. Or at least, for a long time. It is very painful. Try to just remember that you are not alone, your feelings are ok...it is ok to feel grief.
I dont mind as much now that I have no contact with my mother. But I can say that it hurts like hell that I cannot see my father or talk to him. He will not call me or even show the slightest bit of care for me because my mother manipulates him and makes his life miserable. Unforrunately, it is part of the deal, and I have to live with that. It breaks my heart.
One day at a time, Sweetie. I was raised in a super dysfuntional family, too, but it was "family". Despite all the manipulation, emotional blackmailing, it seemed better than nothing. But part of all that dysfunction is that they were keeping me dependent BY emotionally manipulating me. So I underatand how hard it is to separate from everything (the only thing) you know...even if it isnt healthy and terribly toxic.
Please know that we are here and care and can relate. And again, you are not alone.
I have a very good, very nurturing T. She doesnt "take the place of my mother" but she is very supportive, caring, warm, non-judgmental....all the things I missed out on to help me grow to be an i dependent, confident woman. It is never too late xoxo
Rose
Quote:
Originally Posted by baker007
Wow, it's hard sometimes to hear the truth. I still feel deeply heartbroken. I realize that the advice I have been given here by all of you is healthy and true, and I can't thank all of you enough.
Lynn, you are right on about how she has manipulated my brother and I, to the point where we turn on each other because of her. Why wouldn't a mother want her adult children to get along? The crummy part is when my brother stopped talking to my parents as well as me, for four years, I was the one to listen to all the bad my mother told me about him and his decisions. When he came back to the family, my mother was all head over heels agin with him as if nothing happened. She would run to him if she feared he wouldn't talk to her. With me it's different and I don't know why, or hat I ever did wrong to be in such a complicated mess. I have always been the one to tell her that he's her son and that she shouldn't say and do some of the things she has done to him but she always finds an excuse to make it look good for her.
Lee, Rose, and Bill say things that I have felt for years but was always so scared to say or break away a little in fear that my mother wouldn't speak to me. I was like walking on egg shells. Now I guess it doesn't matter at this point since we both have not taken any initiative to contact one another. I am so depressed by all of this. I don't even discuss it with my husband anymore because I know his stance on all of it. I feel like even though I have my own family I am alone.
My husband never really had a family growing up. His presents divorced when he was about 6, and his mom kind of had her own independent life. His dad moved on and had another family. When my husband turned 18 he moved to the city and worked and put himself through college never looking back. His parents do not contact us, or have any kind of a relationship. I can't imagine not having family support like that, but he doesn't understand certain family things. I'm not in anyway saying anything about my moms issue with us, but there were times when we needed help, moving, anything with the kids, the house, work, babysitting, or whatever and my parents were always there. Always asking what they could do to help. My husband would say to me why do we need them we can do it ourselves, but I would tell him, this is what family does, they are supposed to be there for us.
So he has a very independent way of looking at things and it could be difficult at times, because he has been on his own for so many years. I'm afraid that whatever will happen with my family things will never feel right. I know that if I ever do have a relationship with my mother again, I know I can't fall into the trap again. It's going to be so hard because that is all I have been used to. But still, she has made no contact nor my dad to find out if I'm ok. I'm sure if something was wrong with her my dad would have called and told me about it.
I have not been myself since this happened. It's embarrassing but I don't have any ambition to get dressed. I force myself to find strength and do daily tasks and hide my feelings from my husband and children. I hate feeling this way. I want to be better. I just don't know how else to handle this. I feel like such a child.
|