I have the urge to go home and talk to my wife and tell her I don't think I can do this anymore. I tried marriage counseling and I tried to be the best I can, but I don't feel it anymore. Maybe I haven't since she first cheated and I was just hanging on because I was scared to be alone.

It may just be that I am depressed at the moment, but she isn't someone I want to spend time with anymore. I feel so much rage and hostility towards her and I can't make it go away. I have little faith that she will take care of her responsibilities and will shove more things on my plate. She constantly complains about everything and I don't find her pleasant to be around. I say I love you to her everyday but in the last week I haven't felt it. They feel like hollow words. I tried treating her the best I can and holding all of my mental issues together the best I could manage it, but I just feel like I want to fall apart.

I don't think I should have anyone in my life. I feel like I am just a miserable person and I doubt I will every be happy. I don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone. I always seem to reach some sort of normality and I go back to being depressed. I feel like I have been trying to be something I am not all of my life, and maybe if I am alone for a while I will be able to sort out who I am and what I want out of life. I feel so empty and not fulfilled anymore. The only time in my life when I felt grisly happy was when I was dating my wife and we were infatuated with eachother. We acted like best friends and I felt like things made sense. I don't think my marriage can go back to that point again. I am not the same person I was back then and she is less respnsable than a college student. I don't feel like she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, or even the rest of the week. I don't find her pleasurable to be around. I feel like I have to be someone I am not to keep sane and when I reach out for support it takes a toll on her and my emotional backlash within myself leaves me even more distressed.

There is also the life issues of kids that we are divided on. When I think about it, I don't want them. It may he selfish, but I don't think I can emotionally cope with children. I think I would lose it. Also, I have always thought I would end my own life. I know that is bad to say, but having depression, past suicides attempts and possible BPD make this a strong possibilty. I know I can control my actions and suicide isn't a solution to things, but I think it is a risk for me. I am in therapy and have a psychiatrist now to work on my meds, so maybe I will feel better soon. I dunno, part of me wants happeness and the other part of me feels like I don't deserve it. I feel like an awful person and I have no reason to feel this way, but I can't shake those feelings.

I wonder if I am doing either one of us a service by hanging onto this releationship. Maybe I should have never had sex that night or even read her letter. I have little hope that I will be happy in my releationship again, and the best I could do is pretend. What kind of life is that for me. She is still you and maybe she will find someone to give her the kid she wants. I just want to walk away from this.