Hello, everyone. I thought I would post this dialogue that I had with another member of PC. This was VERY helpful to me and full of good information and I wanted to share...hopefully it will be helpful to others,too

Hello P

I have been thinking about your question and how hard it can feel when we can't do what we do in other relationships and have that sharing of facts about one another.
In therapy, if we do that, it lessens the transference to the other person and helps us to get to know who they really are, not the fantasy of who they are - and that isn't helpful. That's why therapists who work transferentially don't disclose much about themselves - to preserve the transference, which is the tool we use in relational therapy to help our clients better understand how they are in relationships and all they have carried through into the here and now from the past. So, by not telling you if she has children or likes animals, your therapist enables you to project your fantasies about that onto her so they can be worked with. For example, you may have your own need for her to like animals because someone in your past hurt animals and you. Your fantasy might be that she hates animals too - and that would allow you to get intouch with how painful it was for you as a child - when you speak with T about your worries about that. This could really lead to an expression of your pain and a working through of the traumatic event. If your therapist was to immediately tell you all about her love, or not, of animals, that would contaminate your transference and limit your chance to express your feelings. Same with wanting to know she has children - it would be far more productive for you to be able to speak about your fantasies about T having children. You can use her to project your feelings onto rather than making it about her. It may even feel she is being unkind or withholding when she doesn't share herself with you in that way - and that is all part of the work - we will all react differently according to our past - and that transference is the window to your unconscious and the (often unconscious) issues that brought you to therapy.

So, she isn't telling you about herself to preserve the therapy and so she doesn't get in your way. It feels strange, provoking even sometimes (although it isn't done to hurt) - and how we feel about that set up (the frame) is the basis for a relational therapy and healing.

Although it feels strange not to know all about her life and family - remember you do actually know alot about her already. I always say to my clients that they know where I live, what car I drive, what clothes I wear, my taste in furniture, etc. So they do actually know alot about me! The therapeutic relationship can be the most intimate relationship we will ever have (as you mention) - without knowing all about the life of the therapist.

Your transference is that she isn't telling you for a reason - and that maybe you have made her feel uncomfortable. That is the work!! - to speak of your fantasies about why she would do that (and they will help you both to better understand what happened to you as a child) - if she was to have given you the answers you wanted it would have ruined that for you. The work is to discuss how you feel in relationship with her - and, yes, it is very important to tell her what you told me and all your fears around doing that - you are doing good work and she is holding a boundary to enable you to project those feelings onto her - that is your job!!

It's ok to keep on asking your T - for many of us who have been hurt there needs to be a testing to see where the boundaries are - that's how we feel safe - we never had that safety as little ones and that was scary. So keep on testing, keep on asking and keep on saying how it feels to have those boundaries.

Remember too - what we want isn't always what we need!

Me:
What can I say?? THANK YOU isn't enough!!! You just shed some light on very difficult and complex topics... transference and boundaries. I really didn't know that was why my T was not sharing with me. Now I get it...it is so my transference is not ruined...so I can project onto her...I think I am getting it!! Although I am beginning to see how it works...I have to tell you, this is going to be hard for me! But I know I just have to do this work...be in touch with my feelings and let her know just what it is I am feeling...one of my biggest obstacles that prevents me from just saying what I need to is that I fear that I may lose her. She knows that I have abandonment issues and hopefully I won't feel so threatened as our work progresses.
After I read your message I was like "WOW"!!! Then I thought why couldn't my T explain it to me as eloquently as you did? Do you think there is a reason for that,too? You explained it so clearly, so beautifully!! Your clients are truly blessed I am very, very grateful for your taking the time to give me such a detailed and wonderful explanation of boundaries and how transference works in the therapeutic setting. You have no idea how I was feeling prior to reading your message ( well, maybe you did : ). I was at the beach trying to relax and just be...but my mind was taking me somewhere else...then I saw your message..I said (aloud) as I read it..."Wow!!"
Thank you so very much, ...you are indeed a special person and I truly appreciate you!! Have a wonderful night!
P.