Perhaps it is time I learn to live with feeling lonely indefinitely (i.e. years). On PC I have made enough threads on feeling alone, unlovable, dealing with rejections, and a number of other issues concerning relationships, and I have been seeing Ts for over half of my life. Nothing as made much of a difference, and I expect that I will feel like this for a long, long time to come.

I have often been told that I should check out ‘clubs’ and find those with similar interests as me. Although almost nobody shares my interests, I have become active in some organizations, and while this has been wonderful, it’s only half of what I am really looking for.

Nothing wrong with the individuals from the club I am active in (all of whom are at least 40+ years older than me) but the only thing that connects us is our shared political ideals. Unless it’s about politics than there is almost nothing for us to talk about or share with each other. There is still this emptiness between us. (It’s always puzzled me how interests are described as the ticket to a social life – a lot more is needed than a shared interest to sustain a meaningful relationship.)

What I would really like is someone that I can confide into, trust about personal issues, and who not necessarily shares the same interests but is able to accept and respect what interests I have. Maybe this is asking for too much but I can’t help but feel nostalgic for the relationship I had 5 years ago – she was incredible. She was so respectful, kind, caring, understanding, and I could trust her completely and tell her anything on my mind and I knew I would be safe. It was like a dream come true.

But our relationship soured because her mother hated me and then after my dad killed himself (she went to his funeral with me) it soured more. She then blocked me on FB and never spoke to me again.

And then in 2012 my BFF decided to never talk to me again and I have no idea what caused this. We were friends for the last 5 years and everything was fine until I received a ‘goodbye’ email from her – she’s ignored me since then. So much for her caring about me. Yet others don’t understand why I am skeptical when someone tells me how much they ‘love’ me or think of me as their friend? Nothing like your main support in life dropping you like a rock without an explanation.

(Yes I blame myself for both my BFF and GF leaving me.)

Now I have no one to talk to about these issues other than on PC and a T, although I haven’t seen my T for weeks, since I don’t believe talking about it like that makes a difference, and I have kind of withdrawn from PC too.

It’s hard to explain this but I feel my best when I can be an ‘open book’ – I can share whatever it is on my mind, what happened to me, how I feel, etc. and feel safe doing so. Whenever I have to bottle something inside of me because I don’t feel I can express it to someone safely, I feel like there is a knot inside of me, and I can’t relax that knot. It’s like being forced to hold your breath indefinitely – the longer you hold it the worse it becomes. When I do find someone that I trust, even if I only recently met them, I can sometimes flood them with all this bottled up information, which never seems to end well.

So I suppose how do I deal with the above issue for indefinite periods of time? I definitely do write things down – I have a 600+ page diary – but I find that doesn’t help that much. I don’t feel much of a release from writing it down unless someone reads it, otherwise all I am doing is talking to myself.

Since I believe I am unlovable and I have given up on finding someone that can love me, maybe I can learn to be able to live alone indefinitely and still feel okay .