I have struggled and struggled with confusion, torment and misery since I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective. I've even had health problems escalate from stress after the diagnosis.

Until recently. Case managers come and go, and right now I have one who has been working there for 20+ years. She has seen what really happens to people.

After talking with me and meeting with me 6 times or so, she told me I had an attitude problem. I didn't believe her. After about 12 visits, she told me 95% of my stress, anxiety, confusion and torment is from going against my core-beliefs for the last 20 years and only 5% is my mental illness. What she meant is that I grew up with core-beliefs, such as this temporary list: (THESE WERE MY VALUES NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH YOUR OWN)

• treat people kindly
• don't have sex before marriage, don't lust after women
• praise your parents
• keep your conscience clean thru honesty if you mess up

Now these are mine. I'm not pushing anything on anyone else, you have your core beliefs, I have mine. These are things I grew up believing since a young child.

The important point is this: I've been disregarding my core-beliefs, every one of them, for about 20 years. And the confusion and shame resulting is devastating.

I have made a 180 degree turn around. I had to tell my girlfriend "let's wait..", I went to my counselor and told him things I've done, how I see the problem now.

The thought disorder part of schizoaffective still offers me disturbing random automatic thoughts, but I challenge those thoughts instead of letting them fester, lest I start thinking about them. My mood disorder part of schizoaffective has improved 10 fold.

My body feels less stressed and eased as a result. Less stress is good for us. I have a hopeful positive attitude instead of a negative one.

I hope this inspires someone somewhere to take steps to atleast clean their conscience out. I think that's a big one. Everyone wants to feel on the opposite side of fearful and scared. This will help!