Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous
(It’s always puzzled me how interests are described as the ticket to a social life – a lot more is needed than a shared interest to sustain a meaningful relationship.)
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What I would really like is someone that I can confide into, trust about personal issues, and who not necessarily shares the same interests but is able to accept and respect what interests I have.
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It’s hard to explain this but I feel my best when I can be an ‘open book’ – I can share whatever it is on my mind, what happened to me, how I feel, etc. and feel safe doing so. Whenever I have to bottle something inside of me because I don’t feel I can express it to someone safely, I feel like there is a knot inside of me, and I can’t relax that knot. It’s like being forced to hold your breath indefinitely – the longer you hold it the worse it becomes. When I do find someone that I trust, even if I only recently met them, I can sometimes flood them with all this bottled up information, which never seems to end well.
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Since I believe I am unlovable and I have given up on finding someone that can love me, maybe I can learn to be able to live alone indefinitely and still feel okay  . |
Hi again - 4 answers re the 4 points quoted above -
Interests are supposed to provide a comfortable context in which to get to know someone. I don't share my husband's main interests - engineering and computing science. It's like hard sudoku to me, just trying to understand what he's excited about each day. However, we share values and recreational activities and we don't want kids. Shared values with someone in your appropriate age bracket is what you should be looking for. Compatibility. What are the ingredients of compatibility? Values are what a life is based on. Get to know yours and those of other people. This takes time.
What you would really like is not at all unreasonable.
Yes, you would like to be an open book. Many of us aspies would understand that completely. However, you need to understand that most people don't work that way. It takes time and careful and gradual exposure to get to know someone deeply enough in a way that is safe for them. You can't just think of your preferences, or people will run. I have always revealed too much too soon in the past. It's a classic error leading to fail.
Yes, I think you could do that, but it would be more sensible to give up this unrealistic belief you are unloveable. You should not believe that is true just because you have no proof otherwise. That kind of proof may work in math, not in reality. In reality, that is no proof. Just accept the indefinite time period by using it to get to know people as friends. Put the gf thing out of the way. That's what I did for 10 years, and I learned a bit about people, which as an aspie really needed to survive in the world. Highly recommended use of the down time from relationship seeking. And a relationship developed from an unlikely friendship, for me, because my eyes and mind were open.
PS did you mention you were on disability or alternatively that you thought you could make a lot of $$? If the former, that is a barrier to many people. If the latter, it can attract the wrong people. Values, compatibility, and friendship are the way to go, I believe.