Why do I feel so guilty though? I mean I feel just plain awful about the mess my life is in. I try to think about the things I want, and its revolves around my mother and husband. I want my mother back in my life like nothing happened. I miss her. You know the other day I said to my husband how much I actually miss her and doing things with her, and last night in our argument he had the nerve to bring it up and make fun of me. I don't understand how someone who is supposed to be there for you can turn things around and hurt me with the things I have confided in him.
I do miss having her in my life even with all the issues. I love her. It's hard to deal with at times, and I have told this to my husband but he ignores what I say about it, so then I just stop communicating.
I also want my husband back. I want my husband to say to me, everyone is going to be ok. Will get through this and work things out because I know this is what will make you happy. But that would never happen.
You know I have always tried to make everyone around me happy, no matter how it made me feel. But I was content with seeing the ones I love happy. Now I want that same devotion for me. Is it wrong that I want this? I am so tired of doing for others. Why can't my husband do me favors as I have done for him. I mean I am so sick and tired of dealing with his children. I really have had it. God that sounds terrible doesn't it. But I can't hide it anymore. These kids are so uncomfortable to be around. They remain in their room while they are here because they don't want to spend anytime with us as a family. They only come out for meals. Then they go home to their mother and complain that we make them stay in their room. Who does that? If I ever see them driving with their mom they each give me the middle finger. This was done twice. I pretend I don't see it but it hurts. Especially since I have been the one to take care of them for so long while their mother doesn't care at all.
It's just hard to deal with, and if the shoe was on the other foot I know my husband would neve tolerate it. Maybe I'm jealous of this. Maybe I wish I could have the strength like him and my mom. But it was my mom who I could go and talk to about all of to because my husband doesn't like to hear the truth about his kids. My mom was the only one that I could confide in because some of these things are a little too embarrassing to mention to anyone else. I guess that's why he is also happy I don't have my mother right now. I think he is being selfish. The fact that he won't talk to me and he won't until I cave in and talk is ridiculous. Just like how I would behave with my mother. I mean am I crazy? And mostly I cave in because I can't stand tension and conflict. I am so much like my father, sometimes it's good, but mostly bad. He is so passive, he goes with the flow and can handle change. My mom, absolutely not. But unfortunately I feel he was kicked around by my mom so much that he just takes it from everywhere. Sort of like me. I married what my dad married. Now I'm living like my dad. Although, sometimes I feel like my mom. There were times I felt bad for her. My dad was never a loving husband even when I was a small child. My husband is kind of the same. Doesn't really show affection. I have friends that are married now for two years. They are so affectionate with each other. It is so nice to see them and be around them because you can really appreciate how they feel for one another. Sometimes I wish I had that.
I want to be happy. I want my family happy, but I really don't know how to do it.
I can't even picture my new baby in fear that these tests that I took will come back and say she is not developing the way she should. I am praying that I find out some good news today. Then I wait until next week to find out the rest.
Has anyone ever felt that they make the same mistakes over and over and don't learn from them?