Wowowowowwwww! There's too much in your post that I could answer to without making you confused.
But it's good that you are letting it all out. And I thank you for changing your mood I wish you would change not only your forum mood, but your overall mood

First: you feel guilty because your mother showed you, long time ago, what she needed. She reinforced the behaviors she wanted from you and you learnt that behaving that way is good. You should add that behaving that way is good for your mother, we don't know if it's really good for you. You can reconsider things.

I honestly don't think you should accept the middle finger from your spouse's kids. But you can't get it all done. Let's stick to the most important.

You have a new life in you and you 'lost', at least temporarily, your love and your best confidante. That's a lot!!
It is good when relatives are our best friends too, but we should always have other people in our lives, other points of view.
I am sorry that you are at loggerheads with you Mum but maybe it's all for the best. Maybe it's because some part of you stopped being HER friend and is starting being YOUR OWN friend, first of all.

I'm sorry I don't know why can't I quote parts of your post. I will learn in time, I guess

You say you wish you could have the strength that your husband and your Mum have. I'm not so sure they have 'real' strength. You seem stronger to me than they are. You could put up with their requests and needs. They can't think about your own, instead. So who's the strong one here?

You are not crazy in the least and it is good that you can't stand conflicts and tension. If they can stand it, is because they are trying to manipulate you into the person they want.

"I married what my dad married" that's a very powerful insight. You are so brave and have such a clear mind!

May I suggest that you start talking to the friends you like most, opening your heart out to them and replacing, little by little, your Mum-friends with good friends. It will not be done in one day but it will pay out in the long run.

You deserve to be happy, we all do.

You are not doing mistakes, you are living out what you learned would give you positive feedback. Now you can see things from a different perspective and learn to behave in a different way.

Every thing is going to be all right as long as you are your best friend. You have been your mother's and husband's best friend. They have not reciprocated. Do not blame it on them. learn for yourself. Learn to move forward.

You deserve to be loved for what you are, not for what you do for others