So I am getting written off by my treatment team. I’ve made it clear I don’t have the strength to keep up the willpower to use the skills I’m supposed to in order to function. I’m finding concentrating at work hard. I’m just waiting for them to find out how hard things are for me and then fire me. I can barely handle my commute to work now. People at work don’t talk to me and I don’t feel like talking to them, so I’m really lonely.

My psychiatrist has told me that there’s nothing more that can be done with medication. I’m on a combo of two anti-depressants, anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety meds. Not much room for changes with these. So she says it’s about therapy.

I go to my therapist and say I can’t handle psychodynamic BS anymore and need help. He hands me cognitive behavioral info photocopies all of which I’ve used and know, but don’t have the willpower to keep up all the time. Now he’s saying it’s probably worth for me to look into disability. But I can’t afford to be on disability even if I qualified. I have 2 kids and a wife. I’m the only one with an income. If I could get on disability, I’d have to move to another apartment, my kids would lose a lot and I couldn’t pay off my debts (I have a lot of credit card debt and student loans because of the depression over the years).
My wife isn’t all that supportive at this point as far as I’m concerned. I think she just wants me to get over this and go to work like the rest of the world. The problem is I don’t think the rest of the world wants to throw themselves in front of the train every day. I have constant obsessive thoughts about hurting myself, but I don’t want to die. I just don’t want the pain of work anymore.

I’ve already checked on disability anyway and I don’t qualify because I can still show up for work and make money. So basically my therapist is giving up too because I’m at my breaking point and there’s nothing they can do for me. It’s pretty hopeless feeling. I couldn’t get to work on Monday and now I’m struggling as always to finish the day. I want to lash out, but I can’t afford to lose my job. I want to be angry, but I have to pretend to be happy. I want to not live, but I don’t want to die. If I go to a hospital, my family will be out any income because I don’t have enough time off. They would have to get by without a paycheck for at least a few weeks. We barely get by as it is, so that’s not an option. I won’t go to a hospital. Also the only hospital my insurance company will pay for is an hour away from my home, so my family wouldn’t be able to visit.

How do people do this? How do people live and work? Am I really that weak and worthless? I’m just not as strong at using skills as I used to be. It’s tiring and I’m getting older and tired. I now am angry at my wife for even hesitating about the idea of me going on disability. I needed her to say that we’d find a way to make it work. She and I both know we can’t.