(((picklewheeze))),

It sounds to me like you are experiencing an asortment of anxiety issues where you feel that others are not going to be able to help you and that you may be judged unfairly somehow. And it also sounds like you are struggling with not knowing how to "verbalize" the way you have been hurt and are struggling. This could be an emotional flashback coming forward and it sounds like it is scaring you. And if you are struggling and overwhelmed it is very common to lose track of time and "yes" miss a T appointment.

OK, hun, you are not "failing", you need to do some self soothing, don't self punish and "flight" either. You are going to be ok, just slow down, call the T and explain your symptoms and that you have been losing track of time and didn't mean to miss the appointment. A good T will understand. It sounds to me like you have PTSD and have experienced a confusing flare up, I have experienced that too, and this is something that can happen but you "can" get past it and you "can" get help with it.

Yes, I get the chills too and I get disoriented and I struggle to verbalize what I am experiencing. Yes, I have lost track of time too, and it has confused and frightened me in the past as well. You can learn to understand this better, and help yourself calm down verses just unknowingly feeding into it.

When I have gotten this way, luckily I can call my T and do a phone session. When I get this way I cannot drive or function well and all I can do is be patient until the wave of confusion slowly "passes" and these episodes "do pass".

What I have come to recognize is that these invasive episodes "mean something" and are only "trapped emotions, memories, that I never realized were there in my brain".
It doesn't mean you are crazy either, all it means is there are things coming forward that you need to understand better, think about why they are there and slowly work through them, as you do this they will actually grow weaker and you will be able to gain on better controling them verses being "afraid" and confused by them.

What this often boils down to is (in your case experiencing childhood abuse), is how you did not know how to be heard, ask for help, and you were frightened and confused. I have been experienceing these intrusions myself and my diagnosis is PTSD, or rather complex PTSD.

When a child is abused somehow, they don't know how to process it, or even understand it at all. So, what they do is disassociate alot and when they do that their brain remembers but pushes it aside so they can continue to thrive. They don't even know how to talk about it, and often they struggle to find a nurturer that can understand and help them with it.

In my honest opinion, because I have experienced what you are discribing myself, is that you are having these fragmented memories coming forward, and yes, they are very confusing and very hard to put into words. This doesn't mean you are ruined or unworthy or will not be understood by a professional. A true professional will understand this and will help you slowly understand it and work through it too. Yes, as I mentioned, I have experienced this myself and I do lose track of time and even what day it is in the now, when these fragments come forward. However, they only come forward in waves, and they can come in strong like a wave and then they receed slowly. The only time you can do anything really is "after" this happens where you can try to slowly identify whatever memories and emotions these waves show you.

Hun, you need to get on the phone and call your T and explain what is happening to you. I think you should "ask" if this is PTSD, because you are very confused and you think you are experiencing flashbacks of somekind. I am not a therapist, but from what you are discribing, I have gone through this same kind of confusion and intrusive symptoms. You need to get diagnosed and treated for this and you can learn that this is "not your fault" and that you can "slowly work through this" and "yes, often it takes time to be able to verbalize or put together what these intrusive experiences mean".

Yes, your concern about being understood somehow is very common with this. It isn't your fault, you just need help with it, you will slowly learn that you can "work through it" and that it doesn't mean you need to feel like you do when these challenges come forward. You "can" learn to understand what they mean and also learn how to "self sooth, self comfort, and self care" until you slowly finally get the chance to work through them and consciously understand them verses being afraid of them.

So please call the T, and let us know how you make out ok?

(((Gentle Caring Hugs)))

OE