My coucilor and husband insist my mother is a narcissist but she doesn't fit the norm. I'm trying to find something that I can read that says to me, "oh god! That's her". The two constant motivators for everything she does fit but, not much resemblance in behavior. The former is what my therapist has keyed into.

My mother:
Never does anything that, to her, is an inconvenience. She will give so much (money, time, attention) that she appears selfless but, she's definitely not because she will turn on a dime and become overtly self-focused. What was fine a minute ago can suddenly be the trigger for observable inner turmoil the next. If she feels inconventianced, or put out in any way, she will not accept whatever, or whomever, has stir her discontent. Obligations, decency, social rules, loyalties will show little importance as she inforces or imposses upon others the burden of her discontent. At one extreme she will do whatever it is begrudgingly because there is no choice but, those that are around will "feel" her wrath. She won't say a word about what's going on. Instead, she's observably agitated, will not make eye contact, and will not respond to you, which is good because her next level is more confronational. Mean glances, sharp jabbing comments, and snide remarks accompany what I've just discribed if she is upset with you, even when you've done nothing. On the other extreme she is capable of doing the worst of rejections. For example, her way of dealing with nornal behavior from me at ages 17-18 was to force me to get married so that I would become "his problem".

At that, punishments for stirring her discontent and inner turmoil come down to this:
She will withhold love, attention, and pleasantness. She will give the silant treatment while noticably seething, outright reject you, verbally cut you down, or get threaten banishment (or actually abandon you temporarily).

There's always an ulterior motive to her generosity and often strings attached. With me, I will repay her "help" with such unreasonable expectations that I feel I repay with my soul and the consequences for not agreeing or not repaying are harsh and long-term.

You absolutely can NOT believe anything differently than her. You will be punished.
She's two-faced and will deny saying what the other has repeated back to you.
She gives impossible choices and then backpeddles. For example, she told my son he had to choose between her and his girlfriend (the mother of his child) and then back tracked to say she "just" wasn't welcome inside the house anymore. (Her and I have been banished to the curb while our men go inside to deal with her).

She is the queen bee of the family. She's the head, she's the one we all revolve around, all need approval and permission from and she's the one who keeps everyone behaving properly. She is a ruler of a small clan.

She's vain. She's materialistic. I was trained to know how to seduce a man very early in life (age 3) because she (and my dad) objectifies woman and she objectifies herself. She hates men but will treat them as if they are above her. She treats woman like she's superior to them. She'll compete sexually with me and has made advances at my husbands (plural).

Despite all of this, she's usually cordial and friendly. She was affectionate when I was little. She can be doting. She makes things fun. She'll fight your battles. She can be genuine. Mostly, she's approachable and you really want to stay in her favor and its such a shock when you fall from her graces. Saying all her bad stuff really makes her sound narcissist but, I know typical narcissm. My first husband and Grandfather were NPD (undiagnosed).