Well I found out at the doctors office today that so far the baby is ok, even with the medication I have to be on and the screening tests. Thank god. I feel like me and this baby are going through so much together. So that's the good news. I have to have an EKG right away to monitor my heart and what the next course of action we will take. The other Heath issues I have I can't do anything about right now until after the baby is born because the corse of action would harm it if I chose to get treatment. I'm trying to stay positive. It's hard because I'm so scared. I'm scared that I may have cancer but I have to think that this baby has saved my life. I never would have known about these things because I usually never go to the doctor. It's funny, I can remember my mom saying to me after her heart surgery how important it is to take a moment to take care of ourselves because we worry so much about other people we forget about us. That is so true.
So that's the good news of the day. I feel slightly better about that. I have been praying this child would be ok. Still not completely out of the woods just yet, but were getting there.
So I got ready this morning, took my younger stepson to the bus stop and when I came back my husband had our daughter dressed and eating breakfast. I didn't say anything to him at all when I got up because I just don't want to be bothered anymore fixing everything.
He said that he would take me to the dr. I didn't say anything. I really wanted to go by myself today but you know I just didn't have the fight in me to say anything. So I went in the car with my daughter and waited. Drove over not saying a thing. Got in the dr office not saying a thing. We see the dr, he explains everything to me. It went well, then the dr says that I should do a little walking so I can get some more oxygen. And I should go with my husband in case I feel dizzy. I said "yeah sure. I don't even want to look at him." I couldn't believe that came out. The dr. Laughed. I then said "all he likes to do is argue with me and make me upset, he wouldn't walk to help me." Omg, how embarrassing, It just all came out. My husband said that's not true i would walk with you. The dr said to him, you need to have understanding, he said its very difficult to go through, have some compassion. Of course my husband played it off and was being the comedian he normally is, but I felt so happy. I know i probably acted lie a child saying that, but It was nice to see someone put him in his place for once. On the way home he tried to talk to me about the visit saying it was good news and I shouldn't worry. Ha! I'm a nervous wreck about everything.
I know he rarely apologizes. He hasn't yet. He just said to me later on that he didn't know about his sons camp cost because his son just mentioned it to him, and that he wasn't keeping anything from me.
I have two people in my life who I love dearly and at the same time can't stand at the moment.
Bonnie, I wish I had other people I could talk to. I really don't have friends. It's actually pathetic. I have a girlfriend who lives in my neighborhood who I talk to every now and then. She is the one who is married for two years. She's very sweet but I'm afraid I'm not a very trusting person. I don't know if I could confide in her and trust her to not spread my business around. God knows, this neighborhood would eat it up. I tend to stay to myself here. I am friendly but that's really it. I do wish I had girlfriends I can have lunch with or have some girl talk but I haven't found anyone that sticks around for awhile.
Lee, I wish I had your courage. I wish I had in my mind when my husband was talking about money what you responded to me with. If that at all makes sense. It's like these are the times I feel worthless.
I just want to say again, how relieved I am to have a place to come and let it all out. And to have people read everything I say and try and help. It means the world to me. My husband hates when I tell a story because he says I use too many details and I should just get to the point. But thank you for taking the time for me.