You really need help. Go to a school counselor or teacher or doctor. They can help you feel so much better. I promise.

I encourage you to keep posting and letting us know how you are. I'm sorry you are hurting and in so much pain
What are the things that trigger you most? It seems that you are so unhappy and being alone is scary and can be very dark. are you able to talk to a counselor at school? let us know if we can help in any way.
warm thoughts