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Originally Posted by CantExplain
((MonaLisa)
If you can learn to talk about it in a safe environment, that will give you confidence and your sex life will improve. |
Thank you CE, I hope you are right
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Originally Posted by Anne2.0
It is a tough topic to deal with in therapy, but I found it very helpful to me in all kinds of ways to figure out what was going on with me (and I still haven't figured it out, it comes in waves). I've done two things-- 1) dealt with various aversive/avoidant triggers that were leftover responses from abuse, in unlinking certain activities and automatic responses so I could figure out what I enjoyed; and 2) talked more generally about my feelings/beliefs/expectations around sex and certain interactions with my H. I don't know if this would be helpful to you, but maybe if you identified your goals or what you wanted to get out of "talking about it", it might be less big and scary. Also, I see the way you feel about your body or yourself as a sexual person a part of this discussion. Body issues have never been big on my radar, I suspect because the other stuff has been so primary and I've done lots of bodywork that has worked on that stuff.
But not feeling sexual desire or having no drive can also be a side effect of depression and it is certainly common with those who have a CSA history. There was a time when this was true for me, and it was worth the work to have my lusty/sexy/sensual self back. It makes me feel like a more whole and healthy person.
About partners--- I'm not sure if your new GF is the same one who has issues with jealousy and anger that you've posted before here-- but a loving partner doesn't take a polite "not now honey" as a personal put-down. Differences in drive are often present in couples, and no one should have to feel like they need to provide sex at a certain level just to please their partners. It may be that it's worth looking at whether your desire is linked to your satisfaction in this relationship.
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Thank you so much for that Anne,
This is the same gf I have posted about, she expects sex anytime we sleep over and I just can't do it. Maybe its because she is so angry and controlling that my body is telling me no- don't go there again with another woman like this, so it is definately linked to my satisfaction in this relationship. There is no doubt about it. My last relationship my girlfriend didn't or couldnt have sex, so I don't know what to think about it. My new gf, is angry and hostile and won't take no for an answer, she keeps touching me when I say no and now I just go along with it even though I feel nothing and I feel so dirty ack...
Part of the problem for me is that I don't think of myself as a person or male or female and especially not sexy. If any one ever compliments me or looks at me I panic. I feel so bad about myself that I wont let anyone else near me. I want to be sexy but it is just not me. Also I attract lots of men and this causes trouble with my gf. I don't do anything to attract this men but then she gets jealous, angry, abusive .....
I think a part of me died in my last relationship, the sex part because I wanted to touch my ex so much but she would never let me so I ended up feeling so bad about myself that now I won't let anyone touch m e but I want to be loved so much but I am attracting all the wrong people.
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Originally Posted by struggling2
i need to "go there" with T about this too. uncomfortable but necessary. good luck!
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Good luck Struggling
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Originally Posted by rainbow8
I understand that it's hard to talk about sex and body image stuff with your T. My T is skinny and I'm the opposite.  I get embarrassed all the time but I talk about it anyway.
Have you asked your T for help in talking about it? If you tell her you can't, in the session, she can make it easier for you. Ts have heard all of this before, so it's like talking about the weather for THEM, but not for US. I know it's hard to start, but once you do it will be okay. I think there was another thread recently about the same issue. One way is to just "jump in". Say it even if you think you can't. Once I wanted to tell my T a sentence and I started it about 10 times before I could finish it. But I did, and then I felt better. |
Thanks Rainbow
I have never asked t for help talking about it but she knows how difficult it is for me and I explained in the email how much I need to talk to someone about it because it is not normal. She said I was asexual becuase my body is trying to tell me about this abusive relatioinship. SOrry you had a hard time trying to say that sentance- somethings just don't want to come out
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Originally Posted by Solepa
I wonder if you can work on problems in this area while not really talking about how they were created. Just try to fix the consequences without going into the causes? I really wish this would be possible. I wish you luck monalisa.
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Thats worth a try Solepa, I will think about this now and try work something out, thank you