Hi, new here and not sure where to post this! Not even sure what it'd be classified as. Today been doing some researching and through that, it lead me here. I do need support and I can't afford professional counseling. I have in fact come a long way on my own and with the help of my fiance.... I just can't seem to find that edge to tear down the wall that hides my true emotions. It seems like none of my reactions or actions are emotionally driven, they are rationally driven.

For as long as I can remember I have never truly shown any real emotion towards simple things. When someone dies, depending how close I am to them, I have little or no feelings towards it. I don't get all squeally and hyper over a child or cute animals or anything of that nature like some people do. I don't get excited when I receive gifts, even if it is something that I have been wanting. I just simply don't get excited and it takes a lot to get me angry or make me cry. I get sad because I realize I have to, yet, even when I do cry, it is sometimes forced. Not fake, I just have to sometimes watch or read something that I know will make me cry and force it out.

A few things (That I won't get into right now) happened in my teen years and since then I have been afraid of people. Been afraid to get close, show my true emotions. I don't even write in a journal anymore because it was used against me at one point. I write letters to express how I feel. I also write my feelings in a letter like form then burn it, just get things off my chest.. I close up when I am around certain and new people. I have become a hermit throughout my life and its getting worse as i get older. I don't feel like I can interact with the world around me anymore. I feel a sense of detachment from certain surroundings, finding it hard to talk and connect with others.

I have a relationship and he is an awesome man, has helped me break through a ton of walls I had built up. However, this last wall, even I'm having a hard time breaking down. I want to have emotions again, I have been with him for about 7 yrs and I still can't get close to him emotionally. I keep fighting it and no matter how hard I try, the emotionless and fear always wins. I can't show real affection in fear of being rejected (even tho I know I won't be rejected). My ex started to reject my affections which caused me to shut down even more.. everyone else before that, well, in the end, they rejected me. Because of that, I have closed my emotions off even deeper.

I was never really social as a kid, I avoided any kind of confrontation at all and I still do. Hated being around people my own age, I had more adult friends than I did kids my own age. Got picked on for no reason at all.. Sure I had a few friends here and there, but never more than maybe 4 at any given time. Even then, i never really showed how I was truly feeling. Always managed to keep it bottled up till it got to be too much to handle.

I don't know where I lost the emotions as a kid.... however, I do know where and what made me bury them for good. I want them back, I want to show affection in my relationship instead of pushing him away or being scared of how i feel. I want to show people that I care and not just say that I care with a blank look. I give pretend laughs at jokes... I try to show emotions..... sometimes, its like I'm dead inside. It's rare that I really laugh at anything, mostly just smirks or fake laughs. I don't show my true emotions in front of people if I can help it.

When I was a kid I would walk off and made sure i was alone before releasing any kind of emotion. Cry alone, get upset alone, any thing...Still do to this day.... I became so good at hiding my emotions from the world that I just simply don't know how to bring em back.

Anyway.... I've rambled off more than I expected too lol!!!

Looking for any kind of advice /resources or any other experiences that some of you may have had. How do you deal with this? I've come a long ways, still have a long ways to go.

Tkazzy ~