I managed to improve a lot. Support of you all helped. I even bought a plain ticket to see family far away who I've been missing. I started getting happy about that and thought I was better.

Well, last night I went downhill again. I am very nervous about seeing my family. I am very nervous about leaving my S/O on his own. Basically, I am having anxiety attacks that are ferocious. It leads to awful dark thoughts, though I'm not in any danger. I just am desperate to cope with life again more normally. This has been going on since October. I'm afraid when I get to my destination, I will seem like a drip to everyone there. My functioning has become badly impaired by relentless anxiety.