Went back and talked to old T about this time in my life.

She said (referring to 2001) that time was not linear for me. I did not necessarily know what was reality and what was in my head. She told me stories of things I had said and done which indicated the tremendous depth of my pain. It was hard to hear these things, which I have no memory of.

In the end, I've come to believe that what I had written was not true in a literal sense. It was what I was feeling at the time - alone, forlorn, barren, bereft - and this translated to losing something that most people find incredibly precious: a baby.

My current T said that as I heal from the trauma of my 10 years in an abusive marriage, the memories may come back. I hope so. I want to be able to look back and be proud of how far I've come, and also to be able to learn from my mistakes. By forgetting everything painful, I tend to repeat the same errors again and again.